Life's all about finding the balance

Yesterday was my first real day back at work, and just as I suspected I really had the urge to jump in with both feet and "make up for lost time" so to speak. It's hard not to get involved when I see there are things that need to be done, or things that need changing. But I was also mentally prepared for this and had beforehand thought about pacing myself and not taking on too much responsibility right away. Being back at work means changes to my schedule, it means some early mornings and some late evenings, it means having to adjust when we go to bed and how and when we spend time together. I need to not let the job get to me, or get so wrapped up in work and tired, that I don't have energy for the people most important to me. I need to take of my body and my back and not let them get damaged either. So that's what I'm going to focus on - finding a balance between home, work and me.


 I've also made a plan for going to the gym for the next few weeks and today Ais went to school herself to give me a better chance of being able to rest. I realize it's going to be a constant endeavor always trying to find the best possible solution for everyone, by making small compromises allround. But I also feel like we'll all be happier and appreciate the little things more.

 On another happy note: the workmen were here and fixed the bathroom lights today! (we've been without light in the bathroom all weekend) Something had short-circuited and needed to be replaced, so now I can wash laundry and put on make-up and appreciate the little things

A few pictures from the weekend :

Friday night was pizza night!! We got ready made pizza dough and chose our favorite toppings : salami, mushrooms, olives, sun-dried tomatoes and paprika. Yummy! On Saturday we went get a couple of humidifiers and got some plants too. It's amazing what a difference a few plants and flowers make- I decided to look for a vase for tulips and am really happy with what I found. The other lovely green things are on the kitchen window sill making it feel a little bit closer to spring!
Saturday night Ais had a little pyjama party with 2 friends. The whole evening went really well, much better than I expected! Lots of Kinect games, snacks, ice cream and fruit salad.
Today we went for a long walk, then a coffee and did some impulse shopping! All in all, it feels like it's been a productive, active weekend. Now I'm looking forward to relaxing with Ais and a movie and then going to my boxing trainings pass at the gym this evening.

Early signs of dementia??

Arghh!! I missed my workout session at the gym today because I had the wrong date/time in my head. The worst part is that I only discovered this AFTER I got to the gym, was about to scan my card and go in when I realized that I didn't see the session on the schedule, so I walk over the reception and say " isn't there supposed to be something starting soon?" she says, " uhm no, they started about 30 min ago". As she's saying these words to me, the realization slowly dawns on me that I've mixed up the days.... At least this means I get to go home and have lunch instead :)

The 3 symptoms of killing our dreams

Woke up really tired yesterday and today. I'm beginning to wonder if it's something in the pillows or the mattress that makes us both so sleepy. I had my retake exam yesterday between 08-14.  It felt better than the last time, I had reviewed the literature and written notes and such, but I don't dare get any hopes up. I just want to pass. The annoying thing is that we won't get the results back for at least a month, so  I just have to wait until then. I'm so relieved and content with my decision to not continue at Mittuniversitet! Being in contact with some of my old classmates and seeing and hearing how confusing they have it, just confirms my decision.
One of Ais's classmates was here in the afternoon and the girls played Dance center on Kinect. It's so much fun to watch them and enjoy the fact that they're being active and stimulated even though they're in front of the TV.
I was in a bit of a funky mood last night. I supposed the combination of going back to work, coming to grips with the fact that I have to wait to start studying again and all the changes in my everyday life that that's going to mean. I just wonder if I'm on the right path, if I'm living life and getting the most out of it. I came across this post from Paulo Coelho that got me thinking :

                                   The 3 symptoms of killing our dreams
The first symptom of the process of our killing our dreams is the lack of time. The busiest people I have known in my life always have time enough to do everything. Those who do nothing are always tired and pay no attention to the little amount of work they are required to do. They complain constantly that the day is too short. The truth is, they are afraid to fight the Good Fight.
The second symptom of the death of our dreams lies in our certainties. Because we don’t want to see life as a grand adventure, we begin to think of ourselves as wise and fair and correct in asking so little of life. We look beyond the walls of our day-to-day existence, and we hear the sound of lances breaking, we smell the dust and the sweat, and we see the great defeats and the fire in the eyes of the warriors. But we never see the delight, the immense delight in the hearts of those who are engaged in the battle. For them, neither victory nor defeat is important; what’s important is only that they are fighting the Good Fight.
And, finally, the third symptom of the passing of our dreams is peace. Life becomes a Sunday afternoon; we ask for nothing grand, and we cease to demand anything more than we are willing to give. In that state, we think of ourselves as being mature; we put aside the fantasies of our youth, and we seek personal and professional achievement. We are surprised when people our age say that they still want this or that out of life. But really, deep in our hearts, we know that what has happened is that we have renounced the battle for our dreams – we have refused to fight the Good Fight.
When we renounce our dreams and find peace, we go through a short period of tranquility. But the dead dreams begin to rot within us and to infect our entire being.
We become cruel to those around us, and then we begin to direct this cruelty against ourselves. That’s when illnesses and psychoses arise. What we sought to avoid in combat – disappointment and defeat – come upon us because of our cowardice.
And one day, the dead, spoiled dreams make it difficult to breathe, and we actually seek death. It’s death that frees us from our certainties, from our work, and from that terrible peace of our Sunday afternoons.
(Copied from: http://paulocoelhoblog.com/2010/07/31/3-min-reading-killing-your-dreams/)

Wordfeud, jasmine and scented candle

We've both not been sleeping so well lately and both suspect that the air in the room is really dry.  Yesterday the humidity read at 26-27%, ideally it should be up around 50 or 60%. We already have a humidifier on during the day. Yesterday I picked up some jasmine aroma oil and put a few drops in the water and now the room smells like heaven. I love it! The candle doesn't really compare with the jasmine scent, but it's cozy and faint and makes me happy. Malin and Tomas were over with their kiddies yesterday for dinner. I discovered some of baby's ticklish spots and I had so much fun making him laugh - the cutest little laugh ever. I also have Malin to thank for getting me started on Wordfeud. I've always liked scrabble and Wordfeud is great in that it lets you interact with others at the same time. I'm also justifying it by saying that it'll be good training for my Swedish vocabulary :)

Our song

We now have a song. I never thought about it before yesterday, having a song we both consider as ours. But I guess the best part is it came about so naturally, just as though it was meant to be :)

Band of Horses

"No one's gonna love you"

It's the weekend

Woke up this morning to see swirls and swirls of fast falling snow. This is the first real heavy snowfall I can remember that we've had this year. It's really really pretty and peaceful in a way, even though I know it means slower and less efficient public transport.
On Friday I picked my bonus kid T. and the girls watched the smurfs movie while I went to the gym - it took a freaking amount of self-discipline to make myself go out the door again! But I was really proud of myself and happy that I did and  it felt really good. I made one of our favorite dinners - marinated file of pork, baked potato wedges and salad with garlic mushrooms + my current favorite: bearnaise sauce.Yum! In the evening we tested our new PS3 Kinect. Fun fun! Ais and I did dance competitions and white water rafting and she really couldn't get enough!
 Yesterday I took the girls to the pool. Ais got a waterproof camera for xmas, so she brought it along and got to test it. Two of her friends from school were there as well and I began watching their interaction to see how they would play with each other and if she would be included. At times I felt like she was being ignored or that the other two girls were deliberately leaving her out or not wanting to play with her. I felt really sad and guilty in a way that she doesn't get the chance for more social exchange and exposure to different social situations. I know I did as a kid and I like to believe I've taken away something from that, learning how to read the atmosphere in a room and all the unspoken body language.
Then one of the girls' moms came over and sat next to me and said " isn't it funny how girls can never play in groups of 3?" This woman is my neighbor and mother of 3 and has a lot of experience and a relaxed outlook when it comes to kids, Ais loves being over at her place. I felt so much relief after hearing that. I suppose since I don't have a normal reference frame I could sometimes blow things out of proportion or not know how things should be in perspective, so it's good to hear comments like that from someone else who knows what they're talking about.
Last night we watched Jimmy Carr - the guy is hilarious! His jokes are definitely NOT child-friendly, but he's oh so rude and takes such liberties! Quality comedy! I highly recommend!

Lunch!

Made a really yummy lunch for myself today : fish in green curry with coconut milk and green beans and flat bread. I'm the only one who really likes this kind of food, spicy and flavorful, so I can only make it when I'm making it for one.

That's that then

I've decided. I'm gonna wait till the fall term and then start a new program at Stockholm's uni. It's the right decision, a mixture of heart and head. Much better chances of getting a job after and about 3 months of on the job training included in the education. It feels right, disappointing that it'll be longer till I'm done with studies, but hey, we all make mistakes and studying distance with all the extra reading and assignments was causing me so much stress and taking over.
I supposed I did have a rather pretty picture in my mind of how things were going to be, how fun and enlightening uni studies were going to be, that I forgot about all the hard work, and I didn't think I'd be so bored and stir-crazy at home. Just gotta figure out the practical side of things and what to do now while I wait.

Tentaångest and botched hair

I'm experiencing incredible nervousness for the retake of my last test, which is on the 24th of Jan. I know what I have to do and I know I have to review a lot of the literature, but I'm still nervous and have no idea what the results will be. Fingers crossed!!
I went to my usual hairdresser yesterday. Another girl was there and asked me if I could wait a few minutes and that was fine. I just sort of assumed that I would get my usual girl, the one who always does a really good job and understands exactly how I want my hair. She's attentive to details and always does that little extra. Before I had time to react the other girl came back and gestured to a chair and then started getting ready herself. I should have said something,  I didn't want to make her feel bad so I kept my mouth shut and hoped for the best. I shouldn't have. She completely ruined my hair. She didn't have a clue what she was doing and she had these really arched eyebrows drawn on which made her look frustrated and angry. I know better now. Next time I won't be afraid to open my mouth and cause a bit of trouble and I won't worry about someone else's feelings quite as much.

Been organizing my life all morning :) Just like every parent or anybody else juggling a lot of things at once, sometimes it feels like there are a million things to keep track of.  I checked this morning how much I'm allowed to earn per 6 months to still be eligible for money for studying, and consequently tried to work out how much I would be able to work. I checked out a whole bunch of different programs at university, all I can say is that I'm more confused now than ever! Even though I have a general direction, maybe it's me that underestimated how much work would actually go into studies and how (at times) boring and repetitive the literature is. But anyway, tomorrow I'm gonna meet with a studies-and career counselor and hopefully get a better idea of what options there are. Gave work a call as well and got the confirmation ( that I actually thought I already had) that I'd be allowed time off to study and be back to work during summer break -- so not looking forward to that. Feeling a little better about the fact that it's the start of a new term and trying to not to feel cheated by the programs' description and title! I mean, don't name it bloody Behavioral Science if in reality the major is Education!! I feel a bit sheepish actually that I didn't check that out myself earlier. Anyhoo, better late than never, I hope!

Had a really nice weekend. On Friday night , three of my best friends came over to celebrate my birthday. It was really lovely having a girls night in. We had yummy drinks and snacks and lots of girlie talk and time to catch up- I can really appreciate having a few good friends who I enjoy spending time with.
Today Aislynn and I went to see my friend E and her daughter and had dinner with them. It's great to have time to really talk and have a long conversation about personal things. I enjoy that  kind of interaction more than superficial socializing, although that has it's time and place and serves a purpose as well.

Tomorrow is the start of the next term at uni. I have been giving my studies lots of thought and trying to figure out what I actually want to do, but also what's the smartest option as far as job opportunities go afterwards. I kind of feel like I should opt to study non-distance, I mean there is a university in the same city which makes traveling back and forth to another city feel kind of moot. While I was browsing today I came across this link:  http://allastudier.se/artiklar/436-landets-b%C3%A4sta-och-s%C3%A4msta-l%C3%A4ros%C3%A4ten/
which lists Stockholms uni as the 9th best uni in the country while Mittuniversitetet ranks at 27th!!!! Makes me reconsider the choice I made when choosing where to study. Decisions, decisions.

This song has been on repeat ever since I heard it and saw it. I love it!!!!

 Today was a 5 day. On a scale of 1 -10 today was maybe a 5. I have been really uninspired about this last assignment. It feels like we've discussed and analyzed and picked about the topic, no point in beating a dead horse, but that's sort of what it felt like. I spent 2 days just trying to find the inspiration, dredging through the books and procrastinating because I just didn't feel like I could bring myself to start the process all over again.
But it's done. I found I failed my last test and then I broke down and cried and that maybe released some tension. So the next day I found my flow and I got it done.

I have a great kid. Sometimes I forget how great. I really want her to get it right and sometimes I'm harder on her than I should be, but she's such a great kid. I was reminded of that today as I watched her run through the sleet to get to her violin class on time. And I'm a great mom. I sat through a whole term of lessons with her, when she lost interest and inspiration (probably thanks to me scolding her for taking out her borrowed violin at school so she could play for her classmates - she was so proud and the other kids wanted her autograph! So sweet! ) So I was like her cheering squad and also making sure she behaved. But she found it again, and she's playing so well. I feel like I'm living my childhood dreams through her, but I'm hoping she'll also appreciate it when she's older.