9 years old, going on 15

What I'm about to write about is highly personal, and I've gone back and forth in my mind debating about whether or not I should even bother to put it into words, but at the same time, what is a blog if not highly personal? And if someone else can relate to what I've gone through, or has some good advice for me, then I'm missing out by not sharing.... so here goes:

I was all prepared to write a happy post yesterday, about how happy Aislynn was to come home. Oh brother was I ever wrong! First the flight was delayed over an hour, so I ended up waiting at the airport, bored. Then Aislynn comes out and I find out she hasn't eaten anything all day besides a couple mini-bags of chips. It's now 18.45. Right. So we get on the airport bus, get to town and I buy her a hotdog because she's really hungry. So far so good. Once we get home (after 20.00) I say something about bedtime, going to school the next day and then it starts: she starts saying she wants to go back to London. She says her dad is better than me - at brushing her hair, at solving her problems, at not making her eat more than she is able, at watching movies together, and of course, that he doesn't get upset with her as often as I do. She gets into bed crying and saying that sometimes she feels M and I don't care about her - her dad is the only one who really cares about her. Living in Sweden is horrible and she wants to live in London from now on.

All I could do was feel like shit and cry. I mean, how are you supposed to react when your almost 9-year old says she doesn't want to live with you anymore? Her absentee father who hasn't lifted a finger to help, financially or otherwise for the last 9 years, is now all of a sudden a freaking hero. I could only think about all the things I have sacrificed, the things that I have done and try to do to give her all the opportunities to have a wonderful life. I thought about how much I've worried and cried and all the guilt I've felt at not being good enough, not being enough for my daughter. And here he comes along and in 9 days manages to upstage me completely. I thought about the choices I've made that have affected both of us immensely since moving to Sweden and all the choices I've made taking her into consideration, when I might not have made the same choices had it just been me. I felt so shocked and sad, and upset that she was saying she didn't need me anymore and basically having my worst fears realised - I haven't been enough.

We have needed some time to get adjusted and to feel like a family, and we were starting to get there. I don't take for granted the fact that M does all the things that a dad does and should do (and he's a brilliant step-father!), all year round, every day.  It's not an easy thing, it takes someone with a really big heart, I'm not sure I could manage it if the roles were reversed. He's there for us, he takes care of us and he shows me every day just how committed he is to our family. So it was really not easy for him especially to hear all that from her yesterday and to hear that she takes it all for granted and doesn't appreciate the magnitude of what he does. Likewise, it was hard for me to see her so sad, but also not feel like any of her reasons for being sad were right or fair. These things are never easy, I am more than aware of that, and we have had our ups and downs getting to really know each other and adapting to being a family in the really meaning of the word, and things were really good. This is only the 2nd time she has visited her dad, and the first time was so-so, so this came really out of the blue and feels like such a step backwards and just a slap in the face really.

I have to say that the wound is still sore today. Last night ended with her coming into our bed, falling asleep late and me crying myself to sleep. The bed isn't big enough for the 3 of us to sleep comfortably, M moved to the sofa sometime in the middle of the night and I didn't sleep very well. Aislynn came to work with me today, and then we went into town and I got her an early birthday present, we had a nice fika and looked for some new shoes for her. I think it's been good for me to spend time with her today, to give her lots of attention and if nothing else, make sure she knows she is loved. But I'm not okay...I'm not sure what the next step is, I'm not sure if it was just the fact that she was on vacation (her dad was too), had a good time and that her reaction was not based on what everyday life would be like, if she lived there, but only based on holiday life.  I'm not sure exactly how deep it goes, if she is really miserable here and if there's something else I should/could be doing or if this is just a build up of feelings and emotions. I really don't know. Maybe it's time for a therapist, or a shrink. I'm not sure I'm qualified to handle this one.