So I've been a bit absent from my blog lately. I can't say that I've had more to do than before, but I have had a couple of down days. I've been sad and restless. I've been apathetic and tired of life's endless struggle and I also from time to time have to fight demons from my past and come to terms with the fact that I still don't have complete acceptance of the way my life has turned out thus far. Sometimes I feel like I've already lived a whole other life. 10 or 15 years ago seems like another lifetime, on another planet and I wonder about the choices I've made and how I ended up here.
Being that it's spring and all, I suppose like the changing of seasons I feel the need to clear out the winter and the stagnation and all the things that I feel I've been not focused enough on. All the sunshine and light is a good source of energy and I feel more inspiration to deal with things that I haven't really felt up to taking care of before.
Another thing: I've been avoiding driving. I haven't really wanted to admit it, but ever since I lost control of my car on the ice and crashed into the railing on the highway, I've been scared. That feeling of being completely helpless and spinning out of control has made me really nervous and I haven't wanted to deal with the fact that I was in shock after the crash and I haven't been too good at properly processing. That being said - I drove this weekend. One small step for mankind, one giant leap for me! I'm not sure what happened or what changed, maybe it was the fact that I was more tired than normal and dreading getting up extra early to make the bus and get to work on time on the weekend, when the bus traffic is less than on other days, maybe I just got tired of feeling like a coward, and then giving myself grief for not being brave enough, I don't know. But I did it. I realize this doesn't sound like a great accomplishment for anyone else who has been driving or hasn't had the same reservations as I have, but it's a big deal for me and I'm really proud of me for having accomplished it.
You are not alone, Nat. When I first drove again here in Delhi, I had a huge accident, involving another person's life. I was turning right, and all of sudden a motor bike hit me on my right rear when I was turning. The man flew off his bike, landed on the curb. I was so scared and traumatised. I didn't have a choice but keep driving only with a cautious feeling every time I see a bike driving next to me, still until now I have that nervous feeling wherever a bike is driving pass me on right or left without me knowing it. So it is a good thing that you are driving again, that helps to overcome your fear of having crash again and also to know that you won't crash every time you drive, it just makes you more conscious and careful. Love you!
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